So yesterday I had a dream about Jessi. This is the first time in my dreams since she died that she has talked to me. Usually she won’t even acknowledge me but this time I was away at college or a boarding school of some sort and I was very excited because Jess was coming to visit. I had a portfolio displayed in the common area and had some trouble with getting the office to let me have it back so Jess could look at it but they gave it to me and she showed up and she loved the work I was making and she had the tv on in the common room way too loud which is something she would have really done. We sat on the couch kind of cuddled together the way we sometimes would when we were emotionally compromised. Mike was there on the other couch and the three of us were all together. It was nice. The office staff asked us to turn down the tv, which Jessi did. She looked at my book and we chatted about how much I missed her and how good it was to be back together and how she thought me and Mike should date. Which is a separate thing which is unlikely to happrn but definitely something she thought just made sense and should happen, at least that’s what she told me. I wish that dream could be real and that I could hug her again.
That dream reminded me of a dream Amber told me she had a few weeks ago. She and I were with Jess while she was dying in the hospital and apparently it was beautiful and comforting and Amber said she felt better from it and that’s why she shared it with me. Maybe if I had had the dream as well it would have made me feel better too but all it really did was remind me that I didn’t go to the hospital when I had the chance. I knew it wasn’t the end and I couldn’t face saying goodbye and her mom didn’t really want Catie and me going but her dad was going to let us. I chose to respect what her mom wanted and I would explain it to Jess later. I should have gone. I know I couldn’t have said goodbye and I know my being there wouldn’t have actually changed anything but the guilt hurts and I can’t help but think...what if?
