Christmas

I always thought people were just being dramatic when they said that the holidays are hard. Why would the fact that it’s Christmas make any difference so long as you still have plans? Apparently it actually does make a difference. Every year for as long as I can remember Jess and I would talk after we each celebrated Christmas and would recount what we got and then complain about it or wish that we had gotten something else. It sounds really bratty and and ungrateful amd to a certain extent it is, but it was our tradition. It was our way of being disappointed when we found out that our parents really weren’t listening when we asked for things and just got what they wanted for themselves. Or when a sister only hears what she wants to hear and gets something you didn’t want that was too expensive that you now have to be grateful for but really you wantes something much cheaper that would have meant more. We could complain without fear of being judged or being remided about how much worse people have it and how lucky we are. We knew that and it was okay. It was also a way to be actually thankful and aware of what we got. Since we were listing everything we would know and appreciate that it exists and that someone put time and effort into getting it for us. This year, while I appreciate it all and have only minor complaints I didn’t have someone to check in with and realized I wasn’t quite as aware as I have been in the past. It’s a different way to have to think about things and I really miss having that time built in for the ritual that sounds like brattiness but is actually causing gratitude.

Healthcare

I was just reading how Zoe Keating is using her platform to talk about how healthcare is failing us. I haven’t seen this yet. I’m going to look it up when I get home from work and can watch videos.

It is something that I have been thinking about a lot. With the affordable care website being kind of screwy I went for almost four years totally uninsured. I had a small snag this year and nearly lost my healthcare again. It is scary. The older I get the less willing I am to risk my health or just hope for the best. Jess had insurance. She had to pay out the butt for it for several years and only used it if she absolutely needed to. There were many times when she was hospitalized for one thing or another. Stuff that she should have been able to fight or stuff caused by her hidradenitis. She needed surgery to give her a 50% chance of getting better but with her insurance she would still be in a hole so deep she’d be paying forever. Not to mention that she couldn’t afford to be off work long enough to recover, if they even kept her job for her.

Finally she had a job that had decent insurance. She found a doctor that knew her illness and could help her. So she was trying to get her skin under control enough to have surgery because with years of not having proper treatment it was really bad. She worked with an awful woman who tried to tell her that she couldn’t take time off to go to doctor appointments anymore and was generally just awful to her. Lucky for her she worked in a place where her sister outranked the awful woman and could help to protect her to a point. She still was too sick she still got the blood clot that killed her.

I know there is no changing things. What happened is what happened and there is no going back no matter how much it tears out my insides. 

Still...

What if...

What if we lived in a place that when things started she could have afforded to go to the doctor? 

What if our jobs were all protected when we need to recover from surgeries? 

What if we didn’t have to hope for jobs with an older sister to protect us? 

What if she could have gone to the doctor again to find out why her legs cramped up so bad?

What if she could have gone to the hospital just one day sooner rather than waiting until it was an emergency because even with insurance she couldn’t really afford to pay to be there?

What if we didn’t have politicians playing sides since it doesn’t really effect them and instead just help make life livable? 

What if the whole system weren’t fucked?

Would I still have my best friend?

Swiss Army

When we were in Europe and went to Switzerland we went to a place where they make and engrave swiss army knives. I got one for my brother and they misspelled his name Kegs instead of Keys. Jessi’s dad made me go back and make them fix it. Jess also got a knife which her dad didn’t want to her to have right away because he was afraid she would hurt herself. He gave it to her anyway and almost the minute he walked away she tried to close it and managed to cut her thumb open. It was really bleeding and she didn’t want to hear about it from her dad so we tried to clean up Jess as well as getting the blood off the knife, then we found Mrs. Riddle, the band mom who had anything you could possibly ever need. She gave Jess a band-aid and we thought we would be good. Of course Jessica’s dad noticed the band-aid and took the knife away. I don’t know if she ever got it back.

Dreams

So yesterday I had a dream about Jessi. This is the first time in my dreams since she died that she has talked to me. Usually she won’t even acknowledge me but this time I was away at college or a boarding school of some sort and I was very excited because Jess was coming to visit. I had a portfolio displayed in the common area and had some trouble with getting the office to let me have it back so Jess could look at it but they gave it to me and she showed up and she loved the work I was making and she had the tv on in the common room way too loud which is something she would have really done. We sat on the couch kind of cuddled together the way we sometimes would when we were emotionally compromised. Mike was there on the other couch and the three of us were all together. It was nice. The office staff asked us to turn down the tv, which Jessi did. She looked at my book and we chatted about how much I missed her and how good it was to be back together and how she thought me and Mike should date. Which is a separate thing which is unlikely to happrn but definitely something she thought just made sense and should happen, at least that’s what she told me. I wish that dream could be real and that I could hug her again.

That dream reminded me of a dream Amber told me she had a few weeks ago. She and I were with Jess while she was dying in the hospital and apparently it was beautiful and comforting and Amber said she felt better from it and that’s why she shared it with me.  Maybe if I had had  the dream as well it would have made me feel better too but all it really did was remind me that I didn’t go to the hospital when I had the chance. I knew it wasn’t the end and I couldn’t face saying goodbye and her mom didn’t really want Catie and me  going but her dad was going to let us. I chose to respect what her mom wanted and I would explain it to Jess later. I should have gone. I know I couldn’t have said goodbye and I know my being there wouldn’t have actually changed anything but the guilt hurts and I can’t help but think...what if?